My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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