I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
