I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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