I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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