wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
