fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
