He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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