I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
