im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
