grandma shit on top of the toilet
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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