I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
