i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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