I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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