too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
