how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
