Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
