He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
