A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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