Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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