Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
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I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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