somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
