The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
