I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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