we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
