Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
