i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
