You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
