Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
