oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
