I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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