I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
