Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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