Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
