I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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