so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
