Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
