Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Im part way to drunk.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
