PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
