you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
