I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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