Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
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WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The Olympian is in my bed
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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