Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
