oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
