that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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