now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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