I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
