When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
