Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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