Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
