My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
