I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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