Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
