When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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