Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
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Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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